disremembering

i live for that smile
soundless and cycling
through the labyrinth
of laughs and loss

i look listless
at the carousel of faces
riveting me in the ribs
stranding me with a glance

i lie undisturbed
and highly appointed
willing my mobile
to spin with abandon

i love erosion
the crust of my eyes
cloying with joy
welcoming tears

acres apart

it would be a shame,
for you to have not
heard the dinner bell

because you were out
so far in the fields.
i told you, i told you,

the harvest is coming
soon but you said
not soon, not soon enough.

those words clanged like
my spoon and pounded
like pistons in my jaw

as I sat looking
out our window
for you to return.

3pm and the day already wasted

the ripping to shreds

of an innocent leaf

is likely the most impact

i will have on this earth today

fence beside me

faint chain-linked fence of faltering
harbors holes of far-fetched disdain
mocking my restlessness wavering
and mimicking my tessellated brain

in memory of an unexpected explosion

a plane roars overhead
and i am grateful

that the explosion
that follows

dwells only in the cave
of my imagination

grateful that explosions
are naught but figments

reminded again that
at any moment without

warning they might become
your present hell

wishing that all explosions
would backtrack into

the innocent materials
before they were wrought

to commit the grisly deed
of blowing apart destinies

the complacent materials
that line the cliffs and caves

and lie twinkling along
the dusty shore

had no intention to harm
and that breaks my heart

i wish that the only roar would
come from the mother ocean

determined to once again be
the loudest thing on this earth

who would be my angel

the years stack like chipped separators,
sheltering what is stuck between:
if ever i was saved it was not enough.

waking up roils the orchestra,
nervous to commit to the overture.
each string trembles a want in me.

the day i wake satisfied
i will scream from the rush of
displacement. i walk my beat

over the aging pavement.
the years i have spent loving
are wilting inside of me.

i pick at and push the usual fears
around my plate: if i whip them
into a mash i might manage.

will i ever weigh myself again?
will i shear what makes me proud
to dissuade the strangers from

dismissing me? every day
another life succeeds me.
i am not bitter, i nod approvingly.

then i head to work. and can't work
out when this will change. or when
i will change. what even changes?

it is likely my angel watches
with sweet curiosity,
blowing kisses down like rain,

spectator to my survival game.
grasping my pain with one hand,
the other stretched out for my sake.

rolling on

when you asked me how i was doing, was that some kind of joke?

if you are asking

of your own volition

with more than a

honeycomb of intrigue

i suppose i could

give you the top ten

reasons for why

i've been feeling this way

and let the other thirty

stir in dirty bath water

'till the towel's been 

handed to me

as i step out pruned 

and shivering

if you are wondering

why i refuse to meet

you in the eyes

just look up at the sky

catching a flash of lightning

is the only way to be struck

by the promise of thunder