this is the last thing i have to say

would keep climbing
if dying felt less like
hearing his pronoun
between buried sighing
and wanted so bad
to be some kind of
outlier but crying i
mop the same old floor
and see somewhere
a future wanting
even more so even
though i adore you
and sometimes i know
you feel some way too
i cannot even hold
my thoughts
of being with you
without scalding
the corners of my eyes
do you know what it is
to be wanted by someone
who is your most wanted
and yet returns home
placating some other
most wanted man
how deep his pain
have you reckoned
that the trajectory
of our lives have already
crossed and are now
split sideways infinitum
i told myself
there was immense patience
that insufferably stretched
and sweet this was the dance
of the one i was meant to meet
i told myself these things
even sharing with you
parcels of my person
which i hope you keep
forever
what shallow entrapment
following me
with every step
i am seeking the one
who will make right
the wrongs this life
has taken upon me
that is not a charge
not an inevitability
it occurs to me nightly
that i may never
partake of this impossibility
but what i want
is someone who sees
bravery in this stupidity
who can make use
of my stubborn loyalty
some susceptible dreamer
or high-key redeemer
of my downtrodden hopes
someone keen to split
the estate of their royalty
and i wanted it to be you
but that was ill-scripted
i knew all along i was
only addicted to your
silly faces and spritely
ways what else can i say
i put myself through the paces
expecting more of myself
than of you
if you are near me
it will never get out of the way
and will keep wasting words
as mind and heart
breaks mind the cliche
to admit this saga has
no bone-
meltingly ecstatic end
to admit it ends just like this
words achieving nothing
my body the only thing
on which i can depend
memories of us
so briefly together
and the tears that come
from losing a friend