On the Evening Before My Last Day, I Wanted to Remember the Beautiful Things

A night like this does not fall lightly.
I was once told, that we are standing on the shoulders of giants,
My small eyes blinked then, frankly preoccupied with tears,
But the pool is shallow enough now to see the tops of trees.
We really are standing on the shoulders of giants.
And while faint orange street lights line my path home,
It isn’t the sort of night for me to be driving alone.
I feel a pain stretching inside me, a restless embryo,
Cry muffled, eyes widened, fingernails scraping my insides.
I would let it out if I could force myself to be less of a man,
If only I knew how beautiful—

I remember when this was all just a watercolor sleepwalk,
There were no edges or outlines, just color blurring together
To form general places to be. Room under white light,
Or bench under sun light to heat up soup in.
James! Remember the first time we saw the man walk?
Life was good then, it still is good now, thankfully,
And good for us that he still walks, and we still talk.
My other half to a part I never saw exist, until you
Invented the need for it to exist. We used to eat, then.
To think we were even quieter, then—

Then came love! Which in high school is no carousel
But rather a carnage twist of metal gasping around
In concentric circles, lights epileptic also.
But since the stars spun either way, why look harder?
The sky is a scary place since it’s always the same,
I’ve learned since then to keep my eyes on the earth.
Taylor! I whipped nights into a croak because of you,
And frothed dozens of twilight waves, and sung
My entire catalogue of songs with no instruments.
I rolled and lolled in your web, what a joke.
Three times you made me break, I was always broke,
Though it was a spectacular fire—

Spring always meant something more than it was
At least to me, at least in this evocative place
That I’ve come to know with pencil and smile.
Who cares if it comes late. Who cares if it comes at all?
Spring is love, not the sun. Spring are people,
Not emerald grass or banana leaves.
At least that’s what I’ve come to believe.
Rebecca! You were my yearlong spring, I’ll confess,
You were my complete opposite and I won’t forget it.
I needed you for all the reasons I didn’t, and so on.
Yet now, as I stand being swallowed by one final night,
I know somewhere you are out there, feeling it too.
Not everything comes smoldering down, that proof is in you.
You unleashed gales of beauty, and me—

I grow exhausted remembering my scores of friends,
All so tall and full of breath, light bright and playful.
Daniel! Bring your guitar to heaven, we’ll need it!
Sophie! Paint us our delicate dreams tonight! With your love!
McKin! Find the beautiful souls like us, care for them too!
Already I cannot imagine the gaping holes in my
Picture frames, if I were to have never braced these souls!
Kaitlyn! Endlessly voracious lover, peacock woman!
Eric! Colorblind boy with visions, sing me another tear!
Alan! The dark streets of Boston are sad without your smoke!
Mariah! Grow, and when all else is wilting, grow even brighter!
Maddie! Stumble through a field, care for the animals! Your family!
Molly Margaret! Woman of my women, queen of all my royalty!
Ashton! Your beauty burdens no one, your joy, more gorgeous!
Nate! I owe you more than you know, you and I, one boy!
Dominic! When you need gas, find me, we will drive across oceans!
Haydn! Save lives, let them live to hear your laughter another day!
Kiana! Spread across the floor, ultraviolet voice warming us all!
Iman! Know that you are young, then forget it, then spiral upwards!
Maria! Saintliest of girls I ever met, purest of waters, biggest of hearts!
My hands withdraw as the mind draws up family,
The saddest of names and truest sort of friends.
So you see I have been lucky—

But where the cozy carpets and linens of the home end,
The ravished borderland of unexplored forests and farmland
Begins. And I have seen mornings in Tennessee, silver mist
Falling over strawberry-colored barns, and I have heard
The snores of the ocean sometime at night.
Louis! We’re over here! Down by the trench of sand,
Pretending we’re like birds by the calm surf.
Josh! We always missed you, while you would sleep,
To wake so early to make us feel welcome.
Logan! Don’t think I’ve forgotten you! My friend,
Who keeps us sharp, who plays in the waves of books.
Mike! I see you then I don’t, a shadow in the fog,
Where were you when the sun grew angry?
Joe! Also a year behind, my enormous partner
In crime and rhyme, blame winter you were not there.
What boy could not sleep and celebrate being free
And become a man in such powerful company—

All these names have taken residence in me,
Camped out sections of bone, tissue, sockets,
Though one rests tonight in a feather locket.
Callie! I hope tomorrow that I do not wreck
Like a tired whale on your white shores!
You deserve a rest on the shoulder
Of a whole human, their memories whole,
Their bones attached, heart like a fortress.
Surrounded by a sugary moat,
Only for a girl like you to cross—

For a night so eternal, it’s ending rather quick,
And soon comes tomorrow to make me sick.
The grass won’t be green as my face,
The sun won’t beam until the day’s nearly gone.
I will carry this list tomorrow on to Boston,
Waiting for it to come alive and play.
All our tired years and all these lively names
Won’t give birth tomorrow
To anything I haven’t realized before:
But like a spout they will burst,
And you won’t remember Kaleb Worst
As anything but the boy who loved you,

Who loved you wide and whole.
—